Transitioning from Filipina to
Filipino-American
Culture shock will affect
Filipina and her American husband, and every couple will encounter unique
problems that require both partners to make lifestyle adjustments. But the
Filipina is at a disadvantage in that she is utterly immersed in a new culture,
inside and outside the home, whereas her American husband is on familiar ground
as soon as he steps out the front door.
Below I've listed a few
problem areas that many (not all!) newly arrived Filipinas face, but these are
only intended to get the discourse started. If you are involved in a Fil-West
(or Fil/Non-Fil) marriage, and you've encountered other areas of adjustment,
please email me! And let me know what solutions you came up with.
I put this page together
because adjustment to a new culture can be made less turbulent with a little
planning on the part of both partners. Learn what you can about her culture,
prepare for trouble spots, and exhibit patience an empathy when dealing with
her. Doing these things will make your first few months together in America a
lot more pleasant.
(Standard caveat, until I get
my new 150 million page web site up, I'm forced to use generalizations in
describing Filipinas and Fil-West marriage. Needless to say, not all these
descriptions apply to all Filipinas or all marriages. Use your own judgment to
whether or not the items apply to you and your wife; you don't need to email. I
concede in advance that you know your fiancée or wife better than I do.
Thanks!)
Adjustment issues for the
Filipina:
1. Lack of an immediate local
community - socially and geographically. In the Philippines it is not unusual
for a Filipina to know her neighbors, to see them on a daily basis, and to
interact with them when leaving or returning to her home. The dwellings are
usually small and very near to one another, and the windows and doors to
constantly open due to the heat, and clothes are often washed and hung out to
dry outside. So everyday life in the Philippines is a very public affair. In
the U.S., however, houses are placed further apart, the windows and doors are
often closed, and meals, laundry and other household chores are carried out
within the confines of the home. In apartment complexes neighbors are often
only seen during chance encounters on the staircase or in the elevator, and the
conversations are usually brief and uninvolved. Americans often do not even
know the names of their neighbors. For a Filipina, this may seem like a very
"isolated" existence, and during those times that she is alone the situation may
become virtually unbearable.
2. Appliances like washing
machines, microwaves, vacuum cleaners, food processors, etc., will probably
require a little instruction. If there is a floor that needs to be swept, many
Filipinas will prefer to use the traditional waist-high brooms of her homeland
to the taller, narrower American versions sold in stores here. Don't forget to
cover the essentials, such as: don't put metal in the microwave, don't put hand
soap into the dishwasher, stuff like that.
3. Entertainment. Filipino
television tends to be more "local" in flavor than American television, and it's
not unusual to see the same star appearing on multiple shows. Actors sing,
singers act, etc. It's like one big variety show. Think of American television
in the early 70's. American television tends to be drier, sharper, and edgier
(you know, with those shows where it seems like there was no money left in the
budget for lighting and everyone is always frowning to show how tough they
are). Also, American comedies contain political and cultural humor that might
be as funny as a clump of dirt to a person from another country. For this
reason, a Filipina may find American television a little less than
entertaining. And while she'll probably recognize all the major American
actors and actresses, she'll still miss her favorite Filipino stars. She'll
also miss those Filipino soaps and love stories.
4. Food. The idea that
certain foods are for breakfast, some for lunch, and some for dinner might be
alien to some Filipinas, and you might need to explain what foods are generally
acceptable for different meals (i.e., no hot dogs for breakfast, no bagels for
suppers, etc...unless you're a college student). You might also point out that
in social situations, it's proper to keep one's mouth closed when eating and
that utensils, not fingers, must be used for certain foods. Needless to say,
the diet of a Filipina and her American husband will differ considerably at
first, though in time middle ground is almost always achieved.
5. Driving. 99.9% chance a
Filipina arriving here in the States has never driven before. She has spent her
life walking or using public transportation. If she's moving to New York,
Chicago or some other large metropolitan area, she might not have much to adjust
to, but if she's moving to an area that is rural or that has a poor mass transit
system, she will be dependent on others to get her around town until she learns
to drive. This new dependence on others will be quite a change from her earlier
ability to go where she pleased whenever she pleased.
6. Currency. While most
Filipinas are familiar with dollars, U.S. coins (pennies, nickels, dimes,
quarters) might be alien to her. It doesn't help any that the names for our
coins have little to do with their value, i.e., 1 cent = penny, 5 cents =
nickel, etc.
7. Weather. Winter is alien
to most Filipinas. I picked my wife up at the airport in winter, and as we made
the two hour drive home, she looked at all the trees alongside the road and
asked why we didn't cut them down, since they were obviously dead. I told her
they were not dead, they were just leafless because if it was winter. I don't
think she believed me until Spring came and, surprise, the trees came back to
life! Cold weather will obviously be a new thing for most Filipinas, also, as
will be snow, Fall colors, and pollen.
8. Family is EVERYTHING to
most Filipinas. In contrast, to many Americans family is defined as "those guys
you used to live with." American culture stresses independence, Filipino
culture stresses interdependence. You must accept her need to communicate with
her family and facilitate it as best you can. You should do your best to behave
as a member of her family and to show concern for your in-laws. Do not be
surprised if she has a marked interest in being accepted by your family, also.
While you might consider your family's attitudes toward your personal life
irrelevant, she will likely seek approval by them. Especially your mother.
9. Sense of competition.
This might sound odd, but in some ways Filipinas are just as material as
Americans. Filipinas often express a desire to own name-brand items, jewelry,
and assorted luxury items. This comes as a shock to many American men who
presume that a woman from a poverty-stricken country will have few if any
material wants. Such is not the case, gentlemen. Filipinas adapt quickly to
new surroundings and financial realities and will usually re-evaluate their
situation rapidly. While they may be grateful not to be poor anymore, they will
nevertheless strive to "keeping up with the Jones." This seems to be especially
true if there are other Filipinas in your area. Even minor things, like
furniture or clothing, are often tabulated to determine where one stands
socially. Even though you may think that it's ridiculous that your wife is
jealous of her Filipina friend's new couch, remember that in her mind she might
have just fallen a notch in the social hierarchy.
10. Money matters. In the
Philippines, it is traditional for the women to pay the bills. This is simply
more expedient, since bills are normally paid in person and not by mail, and the
men are usually working during business hours. This means that the wives will
have to go the power or water company with her family's bill and a handful of
pesos once a month. So don't be surprised if your wife expresses a desire to
pay the bills in your home. If you allow this (and you probably should, you
were never any good at it, were you?), you'll need to teach her how to write
checks and pay bills by mail. Most Filipinas also control their family's
budget, and they do a superior job of it, so you should expect to hand over the
reins to your wife at some point. Not doing so may be seen as an offense to
her, i.e., a lack of trust in her abilities.
11. Wealth. You are probably
not rich, and you should make sure your wife understands this. Wealth is, of
course, a relative thing. In the Philippines, there are poor people and rich
people but not many in-between. So it is quite common for a Filipina to presume
that because an American is not poor, he must be rich. The idea of a "middle
class" should be explained to her. She will not be rich enough to afford
everything she wants, but neither so poor that she will ever have to worry about
food or shelter. While she may be much more comfortable financially in America,
she will not be able to get everything she wants nor will she be able to send
thousands of dollars back to her family in the Philippines. Her family should
understand this too, as on rare occasions family members can become resentful
when a Filipina doesn't provide them will all the financial support they expect.
12. Tipping. Let your wife
know that some forms of "tipping" in the Philippines constitute what we call
"bribery" in the United States, and that it is illegal. A "tip" in the U.S. is
different from a tip in the Philippines in that here it is a bonus that you give
to someone AFTER a service has been provided you IF you thought the service was
exceptional. You tip waiters, housekeepers, taxi drivers, etc. You DO NOT "tip"
policemen, the mailman, or local politicians (unless you need a big favor and
have thousands of dollars to spare in your bank account, of course. No, wait,
better not tell her that...).
13. Haggling. Driving prices
down through haggling is a part of life in the Philippines, but of course a
Filipina should not try that at an American grocery store. You can just imagine
the look on the cashier's face if this occurred. Be sure that your wife
understands that most grocery stores, department stores, etc., have set prices
that cannot be reduced at her request. You also cannot normally haggle with
taxi drivers, dry cleaners, etc. If she feels compelled to haggle, take her to
a yard sale or farmer's market somewhere. She'll probably get you a good deal.