Sex and Virginity
“Lord, give me chastity – but
not yet!” – Saint Augustine (354-430 A.D.)
Ah yes, sex. How could
one
endeavor to write a book about relationships without touching upon this most
favored topic?
I’ve found that, when western
men discuss their sexual aspirations with Filipinas, they occasionally become
rather schizophrenic. On one hand, a man may pursue a Filipina in the belief
that she is the chaste and pure virgin of Internet mythology. He
may be attracted to her apparent innocence, to her presumed village-girl naiveté
regarding sexual, or even romantic, relations. This is the “never-been-kissed”
or “vestal virgin” model of Philippine womanhood. It exists in
contrast to the perceived sexual over-indulgence and poor moral character of
western women.
On the other hand, once a man
believes he has found such a woman, he often finds himself anxious to jump into
bed with her, even before the wedding. He may also wonder aloud what sexual
activities his future wife will be willing to partake in. Will she
be frigid? Will she consent to his every sexual desire? Will she
know how to perform properly? What are her taboos? Is it true
that Filipinas possess a mysterious tribal lust that makes them bedroom
dynamos?
The conflict here is obvious.
Many western men in pursuit of a Filipina wife place a high regard on their
future wife’s sexual innocence, yet are unwilling to accept the limitations that
such virtue implies. They wish for a virgin wife, yet hope for
sexual liaisons prior to marriage. They want a wife with no sexual history, yet
worry themselves about what her sexual taboos are. They desire a
true “lady” yet behave themselves not as gentlemen, but as cretins, confronting
women they barely know with unconscionable questions regarding sex.
The “perfect” woman for such
men would be a virginal and innocent lass who is, inexplicably, willing to hop
into bed with him based on his promise to marry her, and who is sexually eager
and proficient, presumably through some kind of genetic gift.
In other words, some men wish
to have their cake, and eat it, too. I hope that you, reader, are not a member
of this group.
Let’s discuss the issue of
virginity.
In my opinion, one of the
rudest and most unnecessary questions that can be asked of a Filipina is, “Are
you a virgin?" I personally find the question revolting, though I know many of
you will disagree with me. The thing is, this question is far, far too personal
and frank to ever be asked of lady you respect. If she does answer (which is
assuming she doesn’t disappear on you), she’ll probably either lie or avoid
answering the question. So what good will the question do you?
For that matter, what does it
matter if she’s a virgin? Are you looking for a sexual conquest or a lifelong,
loving partnership?
Virginity may be lost in an instant, by choice or by force, through calculation or through bad judgment. It is, in my opinion, incredibly naive to think that a non-virgin is any less worthy of love than a virgin. And it is unwise to ask the question of any girl you respect; you may well be disqualifying yourself from consideration by merely asking it. How do you think a question like that makes you look? What if the tables were turned, and a girl wrote you inquiring as to your "dimensions" south of the belt buckle? (Also, would you "qualify" as a good husband if you didn't meet the lady's requirements...?)
Of course virginity is to be
cherished, and there's nothing wrong with desiring a virgin husband or wife (it
can go both ways, after all). My suggestion is that it is wrong to either
select or disqualify anyone based on that one criterion, and that in merely
posing the question, you will probably disqualify yourself as a potential mate
for many wonderful women who will view you as "bastos" (ill-mannered). You will
also probably hurt the feelings many innocents who do not desire, nor deserve,
your judgment.
My suggestion is: Be a
gentleman, and forgo any questions related to a woman’s sexual history or
preferences. Just let it go. There are far more important things
for you to discuss with her. Inasmuch as you may desire a lady, you should
presume that a true lady is desirous of a gentleman. A gentleman
wouldn’t dare interrogate a woman as to her sexual proclivities. It is up to
you how you will be perceived.
To
appease those of you who are groaning in exasperation, I will offer this:
Filipinas are not restrained, culturally, from any particular kind of sexual
activity within the confines of the marriage. I have not seen any
trends…
(End
of book excerpt – if you’d like the entire text, please consider ordering
The ASAWA Guide to Fil-West
Relationships. Thank you!)