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Going Public
There’s a test on ASAWA in a
section called, “So You Want to Marry a Filipina...” That test consists of a
series of questions that indicate, in a very general way, whether a man has the
right kind of background and attitude to pursue marriage to a Filipina.
However, there’s one question that is not on that test which is more important
than any of the others. It’s so important, that even if you scored 100% on the
test, failing to answer this question correctly indicates to me that you should
not pursue such a relationship.
The question is simply this:
Are you secure in your decision to pursue a relationship with a Filipina, or are
you ashamed of it?
In other words, if you have a
Filipina girlfriend or fiancée, does you family know about it? Have you told
your friends? Or are you afraid to?
If you have kept your
relationship a secret, you are in trouble. You need to seriously reconsider
what you’re doing.
The most common reasons for
hiding such a relationship are fears of ridicule and criticism. You may be
afraid that your buddies will tease you about your “mail order bride” or rib you
about not being able to find a girl of your own race or nationality. You may
fear the criticism of your parents for “resorting” to a Filipina bride, as if
doing so reflects some kind of personal failure on your part. You may fear the
opinions or your neighbors, who have doubtless viewed at least on daytime talk
show about the abused third-world wives of western jerks who import girls as
servants or prostitutes.
For any or all of these
reasons, you may have convinced yourself that it would be “best” if you kept
your relationship a secret from everyone until “the right time”.
Wrong.
First of all, you are not the
friend of, or engaged to, “a Filipina”. Your girlfriend or fiancée is an
individual who happens to be a Filipina. She is an individual – a person with a
name, a family, and a personality. She is not a doll from a toy store shelf.
There are not a million versions of her out there; there is only one. She is
unique. And presumably you are romantically involved with this girl because of
her unique qualities and not simply because she is from the Philippines. Thus,
if your girlfriend’s name is “Maria S. Gonzales,” then you are in a relationship
with Maria S. Gonzales, not “a Filipina”. While there are certainly quite a few
women named Maria S. Gonzales, they are doubtless very, very different
individuals.
So, the thing is, if you still
think of your girlfriend or fiancée merely as a Filipina, and not as an
individual, you don’t deserve her. If you are hiding your relationship from
others for fear of ridicule or criticism, that’s a good indication that you do
not think of her as an individual. After all, while most folks have heard of
mail order brides, and know of their (undeserved) reputations, almost no one you
know will have heard of Maria S. Gonzales, right? Well, if you think of your
fiancée as Maria, and not as “a Filipina”, what do you have to be afraid of?
Surely, no one you know has anything bad to say about Maria. They don’t know
anything about Maria! They don’t know about her sister who won a beauty
pageant, or her father’s plumbing business, or about her three years working as
a sales clerk at a National Bookstore. How can they possibly think badly about
a girl they’ve never met?
Well, they might just assume
that all Filipinas are the same, that they are all mail order brides and that
any men who marry them are losers. In which case, you have two options. Hide
or educate.
By
hiding, of course, you are basically admitting that you are unable or unwilling
to defend your future wife from attack. You are ashamed of her. You are
ashamed of yourself. How do you think your behavior…
(End
of book excerpt – if you’d like the entire text, please consider ordering
The ASAWA Guide to Fil-West
Relationships. Thank you!)